Skeptic Spirit

A long time ago I wrote the post The Non-Empath Entrapment in which I claimed that thinking you can feel other peoples emotions will make you actually feel other peoples emotions. At the time it was based mostly on assumptions and observations, and the reason I bring it up again is that I have something to support and add to it.

Today I bought a book on self hypnosis, and today I finished it. I had completely forgotten how great it feels to read something in my own language for once. This post is not about hypnosis, but it is about the subconscious mind and how it works, and it strikes me as being quite relevant to anyone, empaths in particular.

In essence, the relationship between the conscious and the subconscious mind can be resembled to a Google search. Just as google, the subconscious mind contains all sorts of information, knowledge, skills, experiences, values and so on. There is a huge archive to tap into!

The conscious mind is the google search bar, and whatever we type in is whatever we focus on as we type. It will allow us to gain access to the archive. The first 10 pages are the most relevant, at least that is the perception, and in time we have learned that specific values added to the search will get us more specific results.

As example, if you where to remember your 10th birthday, you would have to dig into the archive of your childhood memories. Not only that, you would perhaps also need to dig into a specific period connected to the birthday in order to distinguish that particular one from the rest. There might even have to be specific feelings attached to that particular birthday which will help you recall the memory.

When I just now tried to recall my own 10th birthday – in the spirit of testing my own example, my first value to search for this memory was that I was particularly disappointed with that one, that was my strongest lead to go for. Because it was my first “round” birthday 10 years, wow, and my parents were going through a divorce at the time and had forgotten about it completely. The sense of disappointment lead me to the archive of “Malene disappointed. Movie clip of Malene receiving gift from dad as he enters door. Malene remembering dad’s expression of barely having made it to the store. New folder: Close-up image of gift not having been wrapped in.”

The point is, you type in something, and your subconscious mind offers you a number of hits for you to go through. The subconscious mind doesn’t distinguish right from wrong, it cannot think for itself. If you type in “Black Horse” in a google search, you will get a great variety of results, not just a bunch of articles on black horses or that specific restaurant you were looking for.

Why is this important?

It isn’t, I’m just showing off here. My point to all of this is the following. 

Your subconscious mind is no better than google, when it comes to figuring out what you really want to focus on. If you on google type in: “Don’t search for red balls!” Can you guess the results you will get? It will not not be red balls. If I tell you to NOT think of a red ball, you will not not think of a red ball. Because your subconsciousness will respond to the words “red ball”, it will not respond to the “not”. In relation to what we focus on, the subconsciousness is simply an archive of information that cannot think for itself.

So, what happens when you tell yourself: “I cannot control my empath ability!”

Your subconscious mind will do all it can to provide you with anything related to your conscious focus. You are focusing on your lack of control, and it will provide you with all your past memories and experiences where you were in lack of control. If it could, it would counter argue your statement and tell you: “Sure you can control it! Think about this time, and that experience where you have been in control of it, or of something else.”

Your subconsciousness doesn’t do that! It will give you exactly what you focus on, so you need to focus on what you want it to give you! In this case: “I have experience of having had control of my empath ability. I have memories of being at peace with myself and my surroundings”

Empath, non-empath, non-empath thinking he/she is an empath… We all need to be aware of what we type into the search bar of consciousness.

It feels almost surreal to address you dear readers directly, I feel a bit arrogant by doing so, not really knowing ‘why’ you follow my blog… But this is kind of important.

For a very, very long time I have wanted to write a book, that could connect as many of my blogged out interests and perspectives. Up until now I just couldn’t link things together the right way, as an overall thesis that is. But I believe I have found what I was looking for, and without revealing too much this thesis is the core reason as to why I can’t blog about it. Well… If the thesis is valid, of course. (I guess little of this makes sense…)

The issue right now is, that I won’t be blogging much in the future, because I am already involved in other projects as well as having a demanding study, being a single mother and bla bla bla. I don’t have time for everything.

That is not to say that the blog is dead! Only that those of you who check in regularly to see if something new has come up may do so in vane. So, in order not to disappoint you too often in the future, I recommend you signing up for the RSS feed instead.

I thank you all for great feedback and interest!!

It is my motivation for writing!

She noticed me, I noticed. That’s how it started. She laid out strings and started spinning, simple patterns made me curious, eager to find out what it could become. The more I looked, the more advanced she made it and soon I couldn’t take my eyes from it. It wasn’t pretty, but it was amazingly complex. And I felt flattered by the thought of her doing all this just because I was looking. I went home.

Early next day I returned to the web. Tiny drops of water had caught the morning sun, I was spell bound. Such beauty it contained all of a sudden. I kept looking until the water started evaporating and before the web again was naked. Then I went home.

For a long time I did so, only watched while it bore beauty. Eventually I forgot why I left so soon, I started seeing it as something I had to do. I started thinking, that if I didn’t have to go, I could enjoy this sight forever. I dreamt that I could touch the web and perhaps it would feel as enchanting as it looked.

One day she took my hand and guided me gently into the centre of her creation. Just like that. I knew I couldn’t stay, I reminded myself of this. I left every day as before, but I longed to stay just a bit longer.

The last morning the web was indescribably lovely. I crawled to the centre and took it all in. I stayed. I stayed till the sun had dried everything I loved away. I stayed and forced myself to see the web for what it really was.

Then I went home.

Some time ago I wrote a post about cold reading, but I have started to wonder if that is the only plausible explanation. I still won’t explain it as being any kind of “gift” or special ability, nor will I attribute it to the act of spirits, angels, guides or other any other alternative explanation. (sorry)

I am actually not sure that it is that important anyway. If it helps, it helps, and that really is all there is to it, I guess. Someone who doesn’t believe in angels can still benefit from an ‘empath reading’ done by one who does believe it to be angels delivering the message. The message itself isn’t that important either, only what the receiver makes of the message. 

However, for the sake of clarification, I would like to explain how I see it at this point, because my perspective has changed.

I believe I am as much of an empath as anyone else. Or, same message in a different tone, I don’t believe either of us are. This doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in empathy, I just believe it to be a human trait. Some have become consciously aware of the empathy, and I am sure this has an effect on the perception of the surroundings. 

In terms of readings…

I never write anything I can’t back up with an explanation inside my mind. When ever I’ve finished writing a respond to a reading request, I read it through in order to sort out my personal bias interpretations of the person requesting the reading. The reason I won’t call it cold reading as such is that I don’t write “general statements”. I do relate to the person asking, I do use empathy in order to put myself in that persons place to see, what he/she might be missing. This part however is general assumptions! Not based on statistics but based on how I believe the emotional model of “man” is created. Areas to look at, stuff to let go of, needed inspiration and so on… But it is also about subtleties, the choice of words used to describe a situation or state of mind. It gives a lot of information about a person. 

It is actually an “empathic” reading, there is just not anything supernatural about it. And it isn’t (just) cold reading either.

I do use my intuition a great deal in the initial approach to a reading. But then I need to run it through my “skeptical spectacles” to see, if it fits my emotional model and to find out if it makes sense to me at all. And then I can post it.

In reality, we can all call it what we want, it makes little difference. I just don’t feel right about giving readings without having specified my (lack of) beliefs on the subject.

Actually, I am doing the same thing myself right now, asking a question to which I already have decided upon the right answer. You may regard the headline as an expression rather than an actual question.

I am of course talking about the discussion boards I visit frequently, and these days I have spotted a tendency to stage a question. Not very well done, I’m afraid, but well enough for people to fall for it. And I’d be damned if I were to point it out in public and become buuhed out by well meaning caretakers. 

So, I am venting a little.

What makes me wonder, is that people don’t see the staging. They read the words, look at the picture and that’s about it. Please, people, look at the choice of words! Look at the highlights, the perspective, the self proclaimed love and passion, the I-am-a-loving-person-you-know!

I may not do actual empath readings… But I sure as hell see, when something doesn’t fit. 

So, why do I even care?

Because in one particular case (which I will not mention here) there are children involved, and I don’t like that. I don’t like the fact, that someone can charge support and go on living in ignorance and shallow validation. I don’t feel comfortable with knowing, or at least having a strong suspicion, that this case is not all it is told to be. I dislike the view of many caring people supporting one person’s choice in a case we know nothing about.

At least, we could go about it a bit more consciously…

How would it affect your life, if you lost your thumb every time you felt aggression? And every time you felt fear, your index finger would just detach itself from your hand and dump onto the floor, your pinky would fall from the sadness, and your left foot would start shaking out of joy…

Well, obviously we would all wear gloves and pants with huge pockets, but if this analogy is to have any serious relation to what I’m about to share, we need to focus on the psychological effect of the scenario. For this example, the fingers could easily be attached to it’s rightful place right away, but naturally (mm-hm…) it would fall off again, if you still had the emotion from which the finger had detached itself.

There are two facts about emotions; They are intangible, and they don’t go away by themselves if you just ignore them long enough. Time doesn’t heal anything, acceptance does! So I decided to make emotions tangible, because then they are a hell of a lot easier to deal with. 

In order to deal with an emotion, you first need to acknowledge that it is there  - that you are feeling what you are feeling. You need to validate ‘you’ by validating the feelings you are having. That is the way to being you, and ultimately the only way of being truly satisfied with being.

If your fingers fell off, it would be an easy task. You might not want to let your boss know, that your anger-thumb just fell off while you where telling him, that it was no problem for you to come in earlier on the following Monday. That is something you might want to keep in the glove until he turns away. But you can’t really go through a whole day with your thumb dangling, so you would at some point need to attach it to the hand again. 

This means however, that you would be forced to deal with the anger that caused the thumb to fall off in the first place. And this would be fairly easy too. Because you know why it fell off. So by picking the thumb up, accepting (validating) that you felt angry at that time and knowing why you felt angry, while making a decision of putting the thumb back on, is all it takes for you to have dealt with the anger. It would also have the pleasant effect, that you would not take the anger with you in traffic on the way home, and you would not beat up the kids for making noise during bedtime.

The finger-loose society would indeed be a perfect world.

However, feelings are not that tangible, and we often push unwanted, taboo emotions back in the rucksack, with the effect that too much unwanted feelings makes it much heavier too move and act freely. It also makes it much more difficult, if not impossible, to be truly connected to your self. 

So let’s just make them tangible, shall we…

Find 4 stone. There are two criteria; You should be able to lift them, and they shall have NO other meaning or spiritual purpose than the one I will describe… now:

One stone is for anger, one is for fear, one is for sadness, one is for joy.

You may think, that there are several different emotions, but these are the basics and the rest is just a combination of them – with a direction of thought and situation. It is very much like colours, actually. It is extremely important, that you do not add to the importance or meaning of the stones, they are just physical tools to help you getting started on the process. However, you should allow yourself to associate the individual stone with it’s emotion.

When you decide to do the following exercise is completely up to you. I keep mine in a little purse but I don’t carry it around me for more than my own entertainment. But when you do feel, that you have a peaceful moment you take them out. Depending on how good you connect to your self, you may want to start out easy by choosing an issue to ponder about, in which it is easy to identify your feelings. Or you could just start by feeling ‘you’ here and now.

You sit for a minute before you take any stone. Then you start searching for the emotions inside. Just as soon as one feeling is just remotely revealing itself, you grab the identifying stone for it. If it is fear (in any form), you grab the fear stone and tell yourself: “I am afraid” or “I fear that…”. And now you let your mind do the work. Try not to interrupt it!

It is easy to stop searching if you deep down know, that the feelings you have, are not some you would want to have. That is why you need to embrace the following statement: 

There are no wrong emotions! Only wrong treatment of your emotions.

Feelings are there for a reason, and denying them won’t make them go away, so if you really don’t want to have the emotion you ‘know’ you have, then you really should deal with just that. 

There are plenty of different ways of using this technique. I urge you to experiment with this for yourself, but these are just some of the areas of which I have used it:

• Haunting youth memories. Those memories that doesn’t seem to want to let go off me. When they keep coming back, it is because there are still things I need to see. And so I take out the stones, bring forth my memory and goes through it minute by minute until I have emptied myself from invalidated feelings.
• Feeling of not being able to be ‘me’. That is a clear sign, that I have suppressed some emotions, and so this is the time to look at them. It is like diving into a mud hole. For every emotion I deal with, some mud disappears, and I don’t stop until the water is clear and I feel me again.
• Guilt or blame. If I find myself in a situation, where I feel an absurd need to blame someone, even though I know that my perception lacks logic or reason. Blame and guilt have the same root of denial. And so in this case, when I take out my stones, I start out by saying: “It was my responsibility”, knowing that the revealed emotions will bring me clarity and knowledge. I also know, that once I’ve validated the feelings I will have no need to blame or feel guilty. But I will have an urge to make things right. And it will feel right too!
• Conflicts with other people. I focus on the person whom I have this conflict with, and I go through any situation in which this person makes me feel ‘off’. When going through my emotions, validating them and putting them into perspective, I see from where the conflicts arise. And suddenly there is no conflict on my part any more. I especially recommend this for people who are dealing with conflicting family members, as they tend to make us oppress our feelings more than random people in our lives.

 Make your feelings tangible!

No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong.

- Albert Einstein

This is without doubt the hardest blog post I’ve ever had to write. I had a great ethical discussion with myself, and I came to realize, that I had to do this. The reason it is difficult, is because it involves other people. I don’t know them, really, but  it doesn’t take away my feeling of responsibility towards those, whom I may or may not have affected one way or another by doing picture readings.

A couple of weeks ago, my attention was lead towards the suspicion, that the empath ability in reality might be cold reading. I still need to do a couple of extensive experiments related to online readings, before I definitely can conclude anything. However I have reached as far as to rule out picture readings as having anything significant to do with being an empath. In my own case at least.

I started a discussion on empath community in which I requested for people who would like to volunteer for this experiment, giving the notion, that I were to evaluate my readings from a skeptical point of view. The readings were done the same way I usually do them.

A lot of people volunteered, but it only took me two readings to make my conclusion. I am convinced, that I am doing cold reading, and so from an ethical point of view I see no reason to go any further with the experiment. I do not wish to involve any more people, now that I have this awareness.

I intended to take the reading bit by bit and analyze it in here (I have permission), but I just can’t bring myself to do so. The link will take you to it, but for this post I will just explain why it is cold reading, and how I feel about it all this evening. As a last comment to this, I need to state, that I have not in any way intentionally tried to deceive people, not with this experiment, not in general. 

About the readings…

The first clue, that this was cold reading, came when I noticed, that a reading I had done for one, was mistakenly accepted by another. It resonated with them both, which can only mean one thing – it was a superficial, “one-text-fits-all” reading. 

On the second reading, I never gave any answers. When I look it through, not at one point did I mention any specific feelings. However, since I had a description of the problem (also a cold reading technique), I was subconsciously able to analyze, where she would need to look in order to find her answers. It is not about the empath ability.

Angel, dear, you really are an angel, and I can’t wait for you to realize it yourself! But you did this all by yourself! I never gave you any answers, I just pointed to the most plausible place for you to find them – and you did! All on your own. You need to take pride in that, not me!

About me…

I am a skeptic, not just in writing. I stand by what I write – I follow my own advice, even if it takes me down unpleasant roads.

I have an energy kick this evening, because I have had this nagging feeling for some time now, and the battle in my spirit between self deception and knowledge is over. For this part at least.

I am also curious. The human mind, the human perception fascinates me, and I have found new paths to investigate. New worlds to explore.

I am also a bit sad, though. Because during the analysis of the readings, I discovered, that part of why the readings have such an effect, must be due to the perception, that someone can feel your emotions. There is a willingness to accept the questions, there is a willingness to look for them. By publishing this post, I limit myself from doing picture (cold) readings any more. I can still give advice if asked, but it is what it is. So the spiritual openness, the willingness for people to find the answers has changed.

I guess I do want to help people more than I thought I did.

This post is harsh, and it comes with a warning. Do NOT read further, if you are insecure and seeking confirmation about whether or not you are an empath!

It is not offered as a help to anyone. It is my theory about the dangers of calling oneself an empath, when that is not the case. Some may find it appalling, spiteful, arrogant and just plain mean. That is not in any way my intention, but I can understand the perception. 

***

All empath tests are designed to tell you that you are an empath. All of them! They do not take into consideration, that you are a human being with normal human empathy. So, there are a lot of people out there, who thinks they are empaths, even when they are not.

It is a tendency, that worries me a great deal. As much as I would like to give people some peace in mind, an understanding smile and a bit of needed comfort, it would only make things worse. This is my theory…

A clairvoyant is in wide terms a person who can communicate with spirits. Originally the description was more specifically to ‘see’ spirits, but today this definition covers most aspects of this contact. And I believe it makes things easier to understand. For the clairvoyant, I guess it makes little difference, whether the impressions are heard, seen, smelled or felt, as long as it is working and they know how to distinguish.

When it comes to empaths, it does make a difference where the inputs come from. We are dealing with feelings here, and so to assume that some feelings aren’t your own is quite dangerous, if they actually are. It may not be a life threatening danger, but psychologically it is not healthy. This stands in contrast to the usually debated problem, where we think a feeling is our own, when in fact it is someone else’s.

I have come to realize, that my own definition of what an empath is, is not the general definition. So I face the challenge of either accepting the general term, fight it or create my own. I am going to fight it, because I believe there is much need for clarity on several levels. It is not just my personal problem with the definition being so wide it covers all of humanity, it is also because the current idea that everyone is an empath has problematic consequences.

As empaths we have the risk of screwing up our emotional life by perceiving feelings within to come from a wrong source. Both the ones that are our own, and the ones that are not. The ability to distinguish is essential. But a person who thinks he/she is an empath, when that is not the case, will suffer unnecessary consequences just by believing it. I find that very unfortunate.

But you can be a non-empath and still feel other peoples feelings as your own! 

It has to do with mirror neurons, and it is the same principle as when you look at someone eating a pickle, and soon your mouth starts to run. Our brain responds to the visual impressions of others as if we did it ourselves. For a scientific reference, read more about it here…

Maybe you are thinking: “But, if we feel other peoples emotions either way, the solution must be the same, right?” And technically you would be right. At least if we do not take the element of control into this. The empath ability can be controlled. You can read more about that here, but in short it is a matter of tuning in on the things we find relevant. So the control is about figuring out, what is relevant to you.

The impressions we get through mirror neurons can be controlled as well, but it is a very different method you have to use.

I have a theory (and I am working on backing it up), that even the mirror neurons can be controlled in the ways of perception. If a non-empath thinks he is overwhelmed by impressions, and he goes out in public, he will be overwhelmed by impressions. The brain is set on “receive inputs” and the mind just takes it all in and allows him to interpret everything he sees.

So, the inputs he gets are basically the ones that are visible. The difference is, that his perception makes the brain interpret the inputs through the body, causing him to actually feel the feelings that are being expressed visually from others. That makes the perception the key problem for him. 

And I do believe, that a lot of people who calls themselves empaths without being so, are causing themselves a lot of problems just by perceiving it this way. If I tell myself I can’t run fast, then I never will, the mind follows the perception and affects the body. 

So we are back to the same problem, just defined slightly differently. What is the bloody difference!!??

Empaths do not need to see people in order to get the impressions. That is the primary difference. An empathetic non-empath who thinks he is an empath still needs to see the people he gets impressions from. That is important to note. A non-empath who doesn’t perceive himself to be an empath, will also get these impressions, but since the mind has not been set on “feel this!”, he will not experience the inputs the same way. 

I guess I need to illustrate it:

3 people are sitting in a room. The first is an empath, the two others are not, but one of them thinks he is. Another person comes in, looks a little sad but doesn’t say anything. The empath notice the sadness but doesn’t want to tune in on it, so nothing happens here. The two others sees the same, but of all three only the person who believes himself to be an empath begins to feel sad as well. 

It is the work of the mirror neurons. He feels sad, because what he is telling himself subconsciously and consciously is: “I feel what I see!” and so he does.

Calling oneself an empath, when that is not the case, creates these situations, and they are completely unnecessary. It is also an evil spiral to go down, because how can you convince yourself that you are not an empath, when you actually do feel peoples emotions as your own?

Despite the pain and agony, it is still appealing somehow. There is a reason this person chose to call himself an empath to begin with, and if that is not resolved, then it will be impossible for him to wrist himself out of it.

That is my theory, fairly depressing I guess…

I feel the need to fight the idea that everyone can call themselves an empath. I feel the need to put some specific criteria to the definition, simply to avoid non-empaths falling into this trap, as I see it. Empaths too risk the exact same thing! But non-empaths do not have to, and that is the point!

I know this post is appalling to most people, but I really feel I have to write it.

This is a current example of why skepticism is so very important for empaths to embrace. Today a topic was posted on the Empath Community regarding eye color and the empath ability. You can follow it here. Basically the idea is, that the eye color changes when someone uses the empath ability. Many answers, and yet there seem to be only one conclusion so far, which is something equivalent to “No smoke without a fire.” 

And although I already have stated from where the smoke comes, no one seem to care about facts. It is apparently much more appealing to assume, that there is something empath related to the change of color, rather than embrace the fact that our eye color is naturally changing all of the time. Every human being will have different nuances of the eye color depending on several different conditions both physical, emotional and environmental. Every body!

It is not a specifically empath related trait. 

If an iris specialist (or what ever they are called) says: “Hm, that’s odd!?” when looking at an empaths eyes during a reading, then yes – I will regard this as an empath trait. But please! If you want to believe in natural things being super natural, please do take the slightest effort of investigating just a minimum of knowledge within the area. When you know all there is to know about changing eye colors, and you are still left with wonder, then perhaps you can search for answers and draw parallels to the empath ability. 

But this is just stupid. And I do mean that quite literally. 

If we as empaths want to be taken seriously, at least to the people we trust, then we really need to cut the crap and stick with the few facts we actually have. All this search for fantastic abnormalities only serves to put us all in the isolated weirdo box. Isn’t the empath ability amazing in itself?

Do we really have to overdo the miracles?

There is however one perspective, from which we can agree on the change of eye color being related to empaths. And that is the other misconception (in my opinion), that more or less all human beings are empaths. A lot of people, a LOT of people, calls themselves empaths, because they experience the normal, human empathy. And so, yes, when they do so, and their eye color changes, then they may draw that parallel. But the thesis is wrong from the beginning, and the conclusion is so easily dismissed that it is not even worth the effort.

If you really need something amazing to get through the day – find someone you can make real eye contact with instead!

Please explain this to me in a way so that I can actually refrain from losing my mind…

I am capable of tracking a memory based on a few lines of text, from a person I haven’t even seen a picture of, who lives on a different continent and is not even consciously focused on that particular memory by the time I read on it – and I still manage to get it accurate.

And yet I seem to be unable to get the right impression from someone I know, even when looking at that person, experiencing that persons tone of voice, body language, eye movement, hand gesture, choice of words… Were this an impression, I actually wanted, I could explain it with wishful thinking, but that definitely was not the case here.

I felt it so strongly, so obvious, and yet I am told that it is not true. So who should I trust? 

Should we as empaths (and as humans I suppose) put our faith in the hands of the accused? Ok, that is a leading question. Let me try another less obvious one…

Should we as empaths give the accused benefit of the doubt – perhaps even consciously apply doubt when there is none?

I believe we should. But it should not compromise the trust in our selves. At the end, all I have is me. I cannot rely on other people to tell me if I am right or wrong. So, what should I do, when something feels so clearly ‘right’ even if I am told, that it is wrong?

First of all, I should consider how I approach such an impression, when I seek to validate it. From fairly current learning experience I have realized, that attaching in anger will not give me the validation of impressions I am looking for. I am sure, if I had chosen a different approach, I would have been able to get a part of it validated.

I also have realized that although the impression is right, my explanation to it can be so very wrong. I keep making that mistake – I need to learn. The point is, if I give the explanation, and the explanation is wrong, then the impression will be perceived as wrong too. It gets to be easily dismissed.

So, why am I so eager to get an unwanted impression validated? Let’s say a friend of mine no longer has an interest in being a friend. …Ok, then it probably wouldn’t have been a friend in the first place, but let’s call it a dear social connection instead. This dear social connection does not want to be connected anymore, which is fair enough, we should all be free spirits. But he/she is so scared of conflicts, that there is no way this person would ever say it out loud. You know, like “I am sorry, this isn’t working, I wish it could, but it is just too complicated….” or something… Pick a reason, it doesn’t matter.

What matters is the fact that this person never get to say what’s on his/her mind. That doesn’t mean the feeling isn’t there though. I pick up on that sort of thing rather clearly, because I am always tuned in on the impressions that can indicate the emotional distance between me and others. Not sure why, actually, must be the famous ‘fear of rejection’.

So, I pick up on that feeling, and I start searching for something to back up my impressions. I do that, because it seems to be easier to validate it to myself somehow. But then sometimes, I find something, that in my mind backs up the impression. It is not part of the original impression, but it is something which makes me wonder. It is something which in itself is strange, so I automatically assume that it is part of the “greater picture”.

Here comes the fatal mistake. I take the back-up and make it the argument. That does not work at all. (Now I tell me!?!) The argument is dismissed and so is the impression. Then what? Then I get to doubt my initial impression. Maybe I didn’t really pick up on the wish for distance thing? I go back in time to the situation, recreates it in my mind, and I am still so damn dead sure that I am right about this. I still don’t want to be – I mean, who really wants to have confirmed, that someone else has just lost an interest in the acquaintanceship? 

And this is as far as I have arrived at this point.

The anger trickers a counter reaction, of course. The counter reaction denies the whole – which means the impression as well. And to some extend, I am afraid that I have created my own reality by the accusations given. It is like saying: “Hit me, hit me, hit me – you are so going to hit me – I am right, right? I get the impression, that you will hit me in just a second, right?!  (…)  I told you, you were going to hit me! I was right!” 

So I am back to doubting myself even more because of a wrong approach in the beginning meant to doubt myself less. And I may have changed reality while doing so. That is not really a pleasant feeling.

So please people… We are the only animal capable of learning from other peoples mistakes. I just hope, I will actually be able to learn from my own as well.