Skeptic Spirit

When we enter this world, we are blank slates of paper. We don’t get to decide what kind of paper it is, how strong it is, what color and so on, but it is blank. Then, our parents and other influencing adults start to write on it. As we grow older and enters the life of an adult, we carry with us this piece of paper everywhere. Most of us have added a couple of lines here and there, but the words our parents used have become our own.

We are supposed to love and respect our parents. And I agree to that! Only, the thing that seems to be missing in this statement, is that it is up to the parents to make sure this happens. Being a child of someone, we all feel the need to ‘deserve’ love, so we bend over backwards to make sure this happens. As an adult this child of someone has done all in its power to make it happen! Sometimes, that just isn’t enough. The child blames itself, for not being loved more. The child forces upon itself a respect for the parents.

If an adult son of someone does not naturally love or respect his parents, it is not the sons fault. If the parents have done a decent job, the child will by default grow up to love and respect them, it takes a lot to screw up the child’s devotion. 

Picture this…

You come into an organic shop to buy a cucumber. The price tag says $2, and you take the cucumber up to the register. The man behind the counter smiles at you and says: “yes, that’ll be $20!” You raise your eyebrows, scratch your head and try to find some logic in that. So you say: “You do mean $2, right?” The man smiles again and says: “No, no, I do mean $20, that is the price I demand of you!” You answer: “But the price tag says $2?”  The man walks over to your side of the counter, puts a hand on your shoulder and says: “Yes, I know. That is because I usually sell it for $2, but you will pay me $20″ 

You look into your wallet and realize, that you only have $10, so you make an agreement with him, that you will pay him the $10 now, and that you will pay the rest at some later point. You leave the shop with your cucumber.

The question is now, do you still feel, that you owe the man $10?

As we grow into being adult children, we still haven’t let go of the idea, that we should somehow make our parents love and respect us more. We still feel, we owe them something. But you need to know your own value! And sometimes we need to make an assessment of whether or not we are paying too much for our parents writing. 

If the writing on the paper is mean, spiteful, cold, or in any other way destructive to your feeling of ‘self’, then perhaps you should find an eraser and write something new. And if you are at a point in your life, where the paper is so tattered and worn out, that it needs a thorough treatment before it is worth anything, then perhaps your parents writing has been too expensive. In that case you don’t owe the man that extra $10.

Or in plain language…

If you are one of those adult children, who’s parents fucked up so miserably, that you need to heal yourself today, then you don’t owe them anything. You probably have already given them half a lifetime of unconditional love, respect and fear. But if they were not able to give you back what you invested emotionally in them – then you don’t owe them anything in the future!

It is not about cold calculations, it is not about “give and take”. Every child has a right to love and respect it’s parents.

But it is no child’s obligation!

There is no such thing as having high or low self confidence. It is a myth! I don’t care how many books you’ve read that states otherwise. I don’t care, how many people have told you to “just trust yourself some more”. Did it work? Did you ever read something about gaining self confidence, that actually help you do that? Or did it leave you with more insecurity, than you had before you read it?

Every time I find an article with the headline “Gain more confidence” or “10 ways of learning how to trust yourself”, I immediately close the window or begin to hum some ridiculous children song. You might think, that it is because I don’t want to deal with my own issues (and I have plenty to deal with!), but there is another reason.

Those books and articles could very well be resembled with sitting on a plain reading an article about “How to avoid the fear of flying”. You might have felt a bit anxious before, but if you decide to read the article, how ever well intended it may be, you have now subconsciously told yourself, that you have a fear of flying.

When we drown ourselves in those books or advice, we are stimulating the idea, that we can learn to feel more confident with being who we are. Only, we don’t even have the confidence to believe, that we can actually do those exercises properly. The perception is screwed to begin with, and anything you try to do is set up to fail. That’s a nice boost, Self Confidence for Dummies.

Self confidence is a myth fed by people who still haven’t figured out how to climb the mountain towards the ‘high’ self confidence. That is why they still perceive it to be “high”, as opposed to the “low” they are feeling. They treat it as if it is a consistent state of mind. If you can just climb to the top, you are going to stay there forever. No more insecurity, no more self hatred and isolation. Lots of friends coming your way, career right in front of you! There is no end to the possibilities, if you just learn how to trust yourself!

Right…

The first problem with this very, very common idea, is that there is anything consistent about it. It is a problem, because even the slightest bumps on the road can get you the idea, that you didn’t have ‘high’ self esteem after all. As if you’ve somehow fallen off the mountain and now you are lying helpless and broken somewhere in the valley.

The other problem is that we begin to measure other people according to this idea. Does that person have high or low self confidence, and where do I fit in amongst this group of people? We don’t want to surround ourselves with people who have the low self confidence, because we really want to learn. We want to be in the cool gang, the inner circle, the ones who seem to be on top of things. But that instantly reminds us, that we are at the bottom. Yay for us!

How we judge other people bites our own behinds. If I go out in the world judging people by their cloths, I suddenly begin to think, that others judge me the same way. So I start judging myself the way I judge them. Or perhaps it is the other way around, same-same. There is no harder judge of me than me. An example of that would be my hair, now that it has grown out again. I can prepare for a party, spending at least 5 minutes trying to get an area or 3 square centimeters to sit properly. It is a stupid little area, but to me, if it isn’t right, it changes my entire face. 

Do I care to look at that kind of details in other peoples hair? Hell no, it is unimportant! The important thing for me, is that people seem happy and happy to see me. There is no worse judge than that inner voice, who really needs a good hard spanking now and then.

High and low self confidence doesn’t exist. Spare yourself the idea, that you need to climb that impossible mountain.

The feeling of ‘self’ does exist. And when you feel ‘you’ you will open up to a universe of potential and abilities, that you don’t even think about consciously. It is not about ‘low’ self confidence, it is about withdrawal on the inside. That something, or someone, makes you think, you cannot be you completely or even half. 

We all have situations where we feel like we can’t talk, act or even breath. The people you perceive to have high self confidence have those situations too! It is not YOU that have a low self confidence! You are in an environment, where you don’t feel much like you. Perhaps it is the people you are surrounded, perhaps it is the job, that isn’t much suited for you, perhaps it is your own inner voice, that leads you to think of others (and yourself) in a special way, that doesn’t allow you to feel yourself. 

There is no mountain to climb! 

This is my first introduction post in this category. It is a huge topic, it is a combination of a lot of things, and so the best approach is probably to make each element as a separate blog post. It is based on personal experiences – I am not a professional! (That’s why it works!)