Skeptic Spirit

When we enter this world, we are blank slates of paper. We don’t get to decide what kind of paper it is, how strong it is, what color and so on, but it is blank. Then, our parents and other influencing adults start to write on it. As we grow older and enters the life of an adult, we carry with us this piece of paper everywhere. Most of us have added a couple of lines here and there, but the words our parents used have become our own.

We are supposed to love and respect our parents. And I agree to that! Only, the thing that seems to be missing in this statement, is that it is up to the parents to make sure this happens. Being a child of someone, we all feel the need to ‘deserve’ love, so we bend over backwards to make sure this happens. As an adult this child of someone has done all in its power to make it happen! Sometimes, that just isn’t enough. The child blames itself, for not being loved more. The child forces upon itself a respect for the parents.

If an adult son of someone does not naturally love or respect his parents, it is not the sons fault. If the parents have done a decent job, the child will by default grow up to love and respect them, it takes a lot to screw up the child’s devotion. 

Picture this…

You come into an organic shop to buy a cucumber. The price tag says $2, and you take the cucumber up to the register. The man behind the counter smiles at you and says: “yes, that’ll be $20!” You raise your eyebrows, scratch your head and try to find some logic in that. So you say: “You do mean $2, right?” The man smiles again and says: “No, no, I do mean $20, that is the price I demand of you!” You answer: “But the price tag says $2?”  The man walks over to your side of the counter, puts a hand on your shoulder and says: “Yes, I know. That is because I usually sell it for $2, but you will pay me $20″ 

You look into your wallet and realize, that you only have $10, so you make an agreement with him, that you will pay him the $10 now, and that you will pay the rest at some later point. You leave the shop with your cucumber.

The question is now, do you still feel, that you owe the man $10?

As we grow into being adult children, we still haven’t let go of the idea, that we should somehow make our parents love and respect us more. We still feel, we owe them something. But you need to know your own value! And sometimes we need to make an assessment of whether or not we are paying too much for our parents writing. 

If the writing on the paper is mean, spiteful, cold, or in any other way destructive to your feeling of ‘self’, then perhaps you should find an eraser and write something new. And if you are at a point in your life, where the paper is so tattered and worn out, that it needs a thorough treatment before it is worth anything, then perhaps your parents writing has been too expensive. In that case you don’t owe the man that extra $10.

Or in plain language…

If you are one of those adult children, who’s parents fucked up so miserably, that you need to heal yourself today, then you don’t owe them anything. You probably have already given them half a lifetime of unconditional love, respect and fear. But if they were not able to give you back what you invested emotionally in them – then you don’t owe them anything in the future!

It is not about cold calculations, it is not about “give and take”. Every child has a right to love and respect it’s parents.

But it is no child’s obligation!