Skeptic Spirit

Very personal post, please forgive me for the explicit details, but I have to be honest here, otherwise there would be no point to it.

I have discovered a life pattern, a behavioral and thought pattern, which has caused me much conflict and unwanted results. The bad thing is, that I have to deal with something that scares the shit out of me. The good thing is, that I actually can deal with it now, rather than make that same mistake over and over again. Ultimately it should make me a more well balanced person… Or less screwed.

It all comes down to this; It is easier for me to have sex with complete strangers, than it is for me to trust a friend.

It has been about 10 years since I last slept with a stranger, but I don’t think I’ve ever really trusted a friend. I take calculated risks and call it faith. See, this is my pattern. When I get to know someone, and I want that person to be closer to me, I transform this wanting into something sexual or romantic. It is not, what I truly want – I want a friend – but it is the only way I know how to allow people to get any closer.

I can track this behavior all the way back to my teen years, but it only just occurred to me ten minutes ago. I have always transformed it this way. 

So why do I really do that – what is my payoff?

I guess, sex is a substitute for trust in a way. It is very similar to trust, and it is indeed a kind of intimacy that fulfills at least some of the needs I have for a trust worthy friendship. But it is also easy to stop again. Once you’ve trusted a friend with a secret, you can never ‘undo’ it. It is out there, and it doesn’t matter if that person is a friend in the future, he/she still knows your secret.

Once you’ve had sex with someone, you can walk away and you will never have to deal with that person again. It’s instant, temporary trust – no ties included.

Confiding in a friend and letting that person get close to me with no sexual intention would make me unbelievably vulnerable. Even the thought of it makes me shiver anxiously, I just can’t do it!

So, I have to do it!

There is no way around it, I need to make this a challenge. …Damn!