Sep
I Will Manipulate You!
Written by MaleneInspired by recent discussions on Empath Community, I’ve decided to blog a little about my perspective on manipulation. The arguments can be divided into two obvious categories, those who are against it and those who see it as a necessary tool, that can be used for good purposes, if the intention is right.
I say, WE ALL DO IT! We do it all of the time, actually. And the problem is not, that some people advocate strongly against manipulation – the problem is that they too manipulate others and their perception restricts them from acknowledging it.
Manipulation is, as defined by my dictionary along with wikipedia, the ability to control or influence a person or situation. We do not control people in the terms of tying them up and forcing them to look in a specific direction. We control people by motivating them to see things from our perspective. We influence them to accept the ‘truths’ we portrait, and the art of manipulation lies in knowing how to do this properly.
If I overdo my attempt of manipulating you, I will fail. Of course it depends on your ability to see through it and look at my intentions, but if I go forwards too strongly, you will discover it. So I use different tools to cover my intentions. Not consciously! It is something that happens on many levels, and mostly it is just an assessment of message and receiver.
What would be the best approach for getting my message understood and validated by this person?
This question is embedded in our ‘language packages’ and it is active from the moment we learn how to speak. A child that wants a cookie will consider the best way of asking for it, and it usually turns out to be something like: “Mooooooomyyyyy?” With a little smile, a spark in the eyes and hands positioned for the ‘most innocent and loving’ look. Because the child knows, that the wrong approach will not result in a cookie.
The mother will usually know what the child is up to, just as she knows that crying is not necessarily because the child is sad. But it may still lead to the wanted result of the child. The mother understands and validates the child’s message because of the approach.
The above is an obvious example, but there are plenty of subtle forms of manipulation. The cloths you wear signals something about you. You decide how you want to be perceived, and people usually understand and validate your expression, even if you did not make it consciously. A woman in pink miniskirt and a tight tank-top manipulates her expression. The clothes she wears is not the whole true picture of who she is. It is a manipulated image of who she wants you to believe, she is.
The same actually applies to the guy who doesn’t seem to care about how he looks at all. He to sends a message that “He doesn’t care!” But he does care – otherwise he would ‘sometimes’ care and other times not. But that usually isn’t the case, because if he one day would show that he cares, he would ruin the image, an image he created with a purpose.
I am manipulating you right now as well. (if it works, that is. Otherwise you may see this as an attempt of manipulating you) Even my conscious decision about writing my intent so that you can read it, that too is a form of manipulation. You don’t have to lie to manipulate. You don’t have to deceive people or twist the truth in any way. Sometimes being ‘honest’ is the best approach for getting the message understood and validated. So that too is manipulation.
If what I write leads you to understand my message, then you have been controlled or influenced to see things the way I wanted you to see them. Or at least, I have made my perception understood through the approach I chose.
If it didn’t work, if you are one of those who sees manipulation as the work of Satan, I should have chosen a different approach. The above would not be suited for influencing you to see it my way – I would have used different arguments and expressed myself differently.
We all manipulate, we are all being manipulated, and the only problem with this, is that some people refuse to believe that they do so.
By Misu on Sep 7, 2009
Very nice, Malene.
By Malene on Sep 7, 2009
Thank you, Misu!
By Tony Irwin on Sep 7, 2009
Hey! Here’s the problem I see with dictionary-definition arguments: I’m not using any given word because I understand and am committed to the truth of its dictionary definition…
I’m using it because it’s the *best fit* I have found so far for a felt-sense I have experienced throughout my life.
The best case scenario is that I read your blog and think – “Oh! Turns out I’ve been using that word wrong – ok I’ll find a slightly better one so I can continue my dialogue with people who have had that same felt-sense as me and get what I’m talking about. Goodbye!” And so we part.
Worst case scenario is that I read your blog and think – “You aren’t listening to me! It WAS manipulation!!! I KNOW WHAT I FELT!!!!!” and so we fall out LOL.
Or… you could accept my imperfect use of the word, and concentrate on the felt sense which is what I am *trying* to talk about when I tag it with the word “manipulation”. When was the last time that you, Malene, felt it. Was it like a black hole of neediness trying to suck you in. Was it like being ambushed – someone had set up a situation where no matter what they did you looked like a jerk and they looked like a patient parent. Or was it playful and flirtatious – something that felt adult, fun, and conspiratorial. If you can find a way to articulate the depth of those experiences in a way that is honest, then I can say “OMG, I’ve felt that too but actually it didn’t bother me.” or “Yeah I’ve done that just the way you describe, and I just KNEW at the time it was so wrong”
The end result of that scenario is that if I meet up with you on the street I’ll walk up and give you a hug. Because we have communicated with each other in a deeply authentic way about what it means to be human. Now we’re ready to have an earnest discussion about when that felt-sense [regardless of what clumsy term we tag it with] felt right and when it felt wrong. We’re getting somewhere! Learning! And I’ve learned something from you much more powerful than a dictionary-definition.
I thought the most powerful part of your blog post were the examples – the child and the mother, the woman choosing clothes, and you writing the blog. When you touch on those (particularly the act of writing) I felt it really got to the heart of the matter and that I best understood your message.
Thanks!
By Tony Irwin on Sep 7, 2009
PS: I really like this blog-post
By Malene on Sep 8, 2009
Tony,
As always, your comments warm my heart and supports my ego!
You are not ‘wrong’ in your interpretation of the word. I believe it is exactly the way you experience it. I am currently having a great discussion with Marla on the EC blog, and I realized, there is something missing from my post, which I will add now.
What you are experiencing (I assume) and what people usually define as manipulation, is what I would consider extreme manipulation. But I see the same pattern of this level of manipulation in the subtle forms of communication as well. What I failed to mention was this “bridge building” between how we usually define it, and the ‘new’ way of looking at it (in my perspective at least)
I see different levels, different approaches with different results. Saying ‘hi’ to someone you don’t ‘really’ know, as opposed to saying “HI!” with a warm voice and a big genuine smile, those are the small almost insignificant ways of influencing and controlling other peoples perception of you and them selves.
Not to mention the effect of completely ignoring someone you do know. The non-verbal communication can be highly manipulative.
Taking things to an extreme is rarely healthy, and I believe that applies to anything within human reach. My point with this post was to create awareness of the subtle manipulations we use, not to advocate for the extremes.