Skeptic Spirit

I believe, I have a spirit. Not sure if it is simply a matter of hormones or some psychological factors, but whatever I might formally call it, I believe it to be there. Tonight, I would like to touch the area of “things I do, while thinking about how much I want to not do them”. It is not limited to bad habits, it could just as easily be about saying the wrong thing or not doing what I really felt like doing at that moment. Allowing specific people to cross the line or withdrawing too much in relation to others.

What I do and what the deeper spirit of me wants me to do are two different things. One clear example of this is my nasty habit of smoking. The spirit of me doesn’t want to be addicted to a deadly habit, and thrives much better during the times when I am off the cigarettes.

So, somehow I am able to not let myself act upon the wishes of my inner spirit. I hear the words, but I don’t listen. This means, the spirit of me has absolutely no authority in my life. It is more like a guide speaking in the back: “If you please look to your right, you will see the ‘you’ you could be, if you wanted to make a spiritual choice! You would make me feel much better!” 

But then who/what is in control of my actions if not my spirit?

Thoughts, feelings, learned behavior and scattered perceptions can path the way to a very unspiritual life. Still fighting this. Somehow these mechanisms become the force of the habit, the “Why bother?!” statements, that I never really consciously think about. I still react to them emotionally, but my feelings aren’t my spirit. On the other hand, if my thoughts and feelings do not correspond with the needs of my spirit, I just won’t feel it. 

It is as if my spirit is a ball at the center of a maze. And only by aligning my thoughts and feelings from the center to the outer line, I will be able to lead my spirit all the way through. If my thoughts don’t match my feelings, or my feelings or actions do not correspond with my spirit, the maze will turn itself, and the spirit will be captured at the center, unable to find its way out.

My spirit has a lot more influence on my actions than I want to believe though. It is the essence of me, and when it comes through I feel the essence of life. I can keep it locked down for some time, but the minute I give it some power, it wants to take over and tell me about all the other things I need to change in my life.

When I smoke, my spirit doesn’t come through, that’s for sure. And in many other cases where I withdraw and lock my spirit down in the center, I loose the essence of life, basically. I withdraw on the inside, because what I am experiencing is something my spirit doesn’t want to accept. My spirit denies me.

When I don’t smoke, I get overwhelmed. I see things much clearer and often too clearly. Other things my spirit wont accept. It becomes overwhelming, because not only do I need to continue not smoking, I also need to remember to eat (I eat heathy, when I do eat!), and then there is all the clutter in boxes and drawers. There are projects to finish, decisions to make… Tuff stuff that I need to deal with. All this becomes clear, because I am listening to the spirit inside. And once it gets in charge of things, it is SO critical! 

So, I get to the point very quickly, where I close my eyes to the sun. It is too much! 

And yet I am sitting here thinking, I really should listen to my spirit. I really should! Because even though it is demanding, it is simply because I don’t live the way I really want to live. I am close, though. Far closer than I’ve ever been before. So the essence of me isn’t out to criticize me – it is merely trying to tell me that which would make me the most satisfied with living. 

So, it all comes down to that perception. I’ve felt it to be a judgmental perfectionist spirit, but in reality, it is my perception that has been screwed up. My thoughts, feelings, learned behavior and habit of thinking leads me to perceive the advice from my spirit the wrong way. 

Tonight is the night of listening, but maybe I should listen tomorrow as well?